It is that time of year again, the time where teachers across California and maybe even the country are getting their annual RIF notices. A RIF notice is a Reduction In Force of a district’s employees. What that means is that a lot of hard working and low seniority teachers are getting notices that they may not have a job next year.

            It is a horrible feeling to get that notice. I know, I got one this year. After 16 years of being in the same district, I got a notice stating that my current position (Technology Integration Specialist) will no longer exist next year. And although I have enough seniority to return to a classroom position, it still sucks. And this isn’t the first time I have gone through the process either. There was a time about 8 years ago that I was going through this every year for about 4 years straight. It is a complicated and gut-wrenching, soul-sucking and horrible process.

            The one thing I can say though, is it is not a reflection of my teaching ability or my value to my district. That is what I thought the first four times I went through this process, that the district must think I am not good at what I do if they want to get rid of me. That my contribution and value were somewhat less than those around me who didn’t get notices. It was a hard thing to deal with and it took a toll on me, mentally and physically.

            Eight years later, I know better. The RIF process is nothing but a numbers game. Because of hiring practices and California Education Code, the only thing that districts use when having layoffs like this is your seniority date. And that is not something that I can change. I started teaching the semester after I graduated college with my BA. There is really nothing I could have done to get an earlier date. And that date is not a reflection of my abilities. That date does not reflect the numerous awards, certifications, or presentations I have made. It does not reflect the number of times I have been mentioned in graduation speeches, thanked by students for helping them along their journey, nor the notes from other teachers thanking me for helping with this or that. It does not take into account my AP student passing rates, nor CAHSEE or CASSPP scores my students post. It is just a date, and nothing more.  It took me four years to come to that conclusion, and cost me lots of headaches, heartaches, and doubts about my profession and my abilities.

            But knowing better now doesn’t mean it can’t still affect me in real and tangible ways. I got called into the HR office on Friday February 22^nd, along with all the other specialists in my district. We were told that our position wouldn’t be continued next year. We were asked if we had questions, and told that if we had enough seniority, we would be placed in a position fitting our credential. That was it. No “thanks for doing a great job” or “this isn’t about performance, but about budgets” or even, “I’m sorry about this.” Even though we were expecting some bad news, (I mean why else call us in on a Friday to HR?) it still hit us hard.

            For me personally, it took about a week. I get bad tension headaches when I am stressed, and because of prior football injuries, and because I hold my tension in my neck, it does funny things. The tension in my neck tweaks nerves and then I get bad headaches, an extremely sore neck to where I can’t hardly turn my head without pain, a mild nausea, and tingling and numbness in my arms and hands. When it is really bad, it can mess with my balance and coordination too. All this pain and stress can increase my anxiety, and then it all just spirals in on itself, like a self-feeding monster until at last I am bedridden and can’t function because of pain. Last Friday it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was bad, and the meds that I can take for it just barely gave me any relief. It took a weekend of rest and focused stress relief to get some respite. Today, Monday, March 4, I can again walk and sit and turn my head almost like a regular human being. No tingly arms, and no disorientation, and only mild neck pain.  The stress has been held at bay for a while, but I know it will kick up again as the RIF process unwinds in the next few weeks, and I will combat this with some meditation, some good times with friends at a great conference (#CUE19), and with a realization that there is nothing I can do to make this go away, but I can keep it from controlling how I feel. That is where the power lies.

            I will leave off this blog with a quote from Epictetus. “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react that matters.” I know this isn’t about me or the job I am doing, and while I may feel anger, and hurt, and maybe even some resentment, I cannot let that show. The teachers and students I work with deserve the best me I can be, and no RIF letter or notice should change that. It is easy to say, but tough to do. Wish me luck, I’ll be needing it for the next few weeks.