I am a parent. I have two girls; one who is eighteen years old and finishing her first year in college, and one is six and just finishing first grade. This has given me a unique perspective on parenting. Because my two girls are so far apart in age (12 years for those who didn’t bother with math), I have been able to see the parenting mistakes I have made with the elder and apply them to parenting my younger. It is something I am grateful for, and something I feel like I need to apologize to my eldest for almost weekly. As a new and first-time parent, I laid down rules and expected them to be followed without question; “because I am the parent and I said so.” That served me (or so I thought) well as I watched her grow up.

But with experience and hindsight, and some great reading on leadership, my parenting style has changed. I am far from the hard headed and heavy-handed parent I was, and that growth came over time and through some bad moments. Now I am much more willing to explain “why” behind some rules than I ever was before. By explaining “why” I want my little one to brush their teeth and floss, I find I get fewer arguments and rebellion, and our nightly ritual of brushing and flossing goes much more smoothly. Same with screen-time, or with eating veggies, or a sensible bedtime, or why we can’t get into the pool today when it is almost raining. When I start with why, my path is smoother. Not smooth, but way smoother than my first parenting go-round.

Reading “Start with why” changed who I am in many facets of my life, from parenting to work relationships to interacting with family and friends. It is an awesome read and I suggest it to anyone, not just leaders or those making the decisions, but teachers especially can benefit from the nuggets of wisdom found throughout the book.

What it really boils down to is this: what kind of _________ (insert role or title here) do I want to be? What kind of team do I want to work with? Starting with why ensures a shared vision and a trust in your team that shows them they all have a stake in what is going on. It shows that all members can contribute to the cause and it shows that you, as the leader, value them as a person and as a teammate enough to solicit opinions and take advice. It shows that they are more than just drones following your edicts and demands while showing no initiative and asking no questions.

It takes a strong leader to start with why. I have witnessed awesome leaders who start every meeting with why, put reasoning and goals out front, and who create an atmosphere of mutual trust that has enabled some groundbreaking strides and innovative programs. It was under the partnership with a strong leader that we were able to start a podcast for technology, and bring PBL to our district, and get some reading specialists into our schools to get students reading at grade-level by 3^rd grade. We were a team, and that trust and shared vision and starting with why made us feel like a team more than an office or shared-space ever did. And I am very, very appreciative for that experience.

Now I am witnessing a leader who is struggling to hold a team together. Who makes decisions in a vacuum with no input solicited nor reasons for drastic change given. I am seeing a team torn apart by poor leadership, and even poorer awareness to what their lack of leadership skills and a penchant for “my way or the highway” thinking is doing to a team and to a district. The leader’s lack of competence is manifested in micromanaging subordinates, and isolating members of a strong team to head off any pushback or efforts to coordinate.  And it is hard for me to sit by and witness the dismantling of something so good for teachers and good for kids. I realize that it is not a team this leader wants, but followers and sycophants, nodding and agreeing with all they say, even as the wheels fall off the car as it heads for the huge cliff. The hardest part is realizing that the only thing I can do about it is be a comfort to my colleagues and a sounding board for their woes.

Learning from your past mistakes goes part in parcel with being a parent of multiple children. But being the leader of your family, or the leader of your classroom, or the leader of a department comes down to four very easy, yet hard to accept facts.

1. You will never have all the answers, so surround yourself with good people and good examples.
2. Teamwork requires trust and faith, and a leader with neither won’t be a leader for long.
3. Mistakes are mileposts on the road to success. Own them and more towards success.
4. “Start with why” and develop a shared vision to accomplish together.

As we end this year and start prepping for a new one, I hope your leader and your team can grow closer and more trusting as you work toward a shared vision.